Excerpt from Ready-Made Suit: A Mock Trial

(Enter the Prosecuting Attorney hurriedly from R. He carries a huge green bag which he deposits on the table (c.).)

P. A. Good-morning, gentlemen, good-morning. A fine morning for the great polygamy case of Commonwealth vs. Snyppe, De Gusset, Lapel, and others. We try that case this morning, I think.

Prisoner's Counsel. Yes, as a matter of form. The verdict is bound to be in our favor.

P. A. Your favor. Why, man, she has married nine separate and distinct husbands, and I've got 'em all in court. (Indicates husbands, who sit in front row of witnesses.)

P. C. Nevertheless we expect a verdict of acquittal.

P. A. Nonsense.

Sheriff. So does the prisoner. She asked me only yesterday for the address of a good divorce lawyer. She said she was going to have a sort of grand clearance sale after the trial to make room for fresh stock. She wanted to know if I thought the lawyers would do her divorcing any cheaper on account of its being a wholesale order, and said that when she married again she should pick out for her tenth some such man as Mr. Collodion Film. (All laugh.)

P. A. Nonsense. (Aside.) This man's an ass. (Goes to witnesses and converses with them.)

(The Judge enters with great dignity. His characteristics are unimportant. He might be made up after some local ornament of the bench.)

Sheriff (announcing). The Court, gentlemen. (All rise and take off their hats. The Judge goes up and takes his seat.)

Clerk. Order, gentlemen, order. (General movement.) The Sheriff will please bring the prisoner into court. (Turns around and confers with the Judge in dumb show.)

(The Sheriff goes out and immediately returns with the Prisoner. This part should be played by the largest man that can be procured, carefully dressed in the height of (female) fashion. The Prisoner strides in, dragging the Sheriff helplessly after her, and takes her place in the dock. Her husbands at once rise and throw kisses, squabbling among themselves for the nearest place to her.)

Sheriff (formally opening court). Oyez, oyez!

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